running out of time?

I feel a great deal of urgency. Let me elaborate. There are a great many things I would like to do with my life. Bad habits I would like to break, good habits I would like to implement. Games I'd like to play, games I'd like to make. Albums I want to listen to, instruments I want to learn. Movies to see, pictures to take, books to read, worlds to write, and ideas to draw. People to meet, conversations to be had. But, I consistently find myself paralyzed! What I see in my head is screaming and clawing to get out, to be made real, and yet, I stare at the page. I stare at the canvas. I stare at the guitar. I stare at the unsent text.

With how limited my time really is, I have a hard time knowing what I want to do with it. I know that what I should do with it is continue to grow, and to live as rightly as I can. But that aside, what do I actually want to invest my life in? All of those things are important to me, but that doesn't inherently make them worthwhile. They won't last much longer than I do. I feel so much urgency about all of it at once that I do none of it, and then I pity myself. What's with that?

It isn't over before it begins, so why do I act like it when I look at the page? When I look at the canvas? When I look at the guitar? When I delete the text? I am deeply, fully, and terribly afraid of ruining the version that exists in my head. My hands are shaky; I never learned how to hold a pencil right. It's hard for me to work with both of them at once when I practice the guitar. The words never quite convey the meaning of the moment when I put them down on paper. Maybe I should peel the watch stuck to my wrist off, and exchange it for a typewriter and a paper shredder. I could keep them side by side.